Thursday, October 12, 2006

POUR ONE OUT FOR MY DEAD COMMIES

YO, CHECK THE BASS.

We had the lucky opportunity to do some serious CLUBBIN' during our last night in Moscow. Holy fucking shit. Our host was Sarjit, a Malaysian studying Rocket Science in Moscow, while also double-timing as the best person who has ever worked at a hostel. He took us to a place called the Hungry Duck. With a name that stupid, you expect nothing but the best, and 'Da Duck' doesn't disappoint (alliteration bonus!!):

-Men pay 3 times as much as women to get in.
-The night begins with a series of male strippers who get the women all, ahem, "hot and bothered." In reality, the dudes barely even get their shirts off, so all it does is confuse everyone.
-The strippers finish, and the women folk are so desperate for the COCK that they will be all over the men like stink on, well, Russia.

In reality it doesn't work like that. Because Russian women are insane.

Here is an exclusive glimpse into the Russky Female Mind. Readers, you have been warned.

WHILE CLUB==OPEN, DO russianWoman

russianWoman{
10 DECLARE:: I AM A RUSSIAN FEMALE IN SHITTY CLUB.
20 DECLARE:: I LIKE BAD TECHNO POP.
30 FIND MALE.
40 GRIND MALE'S JOCK UNTIL HE HAS ERECTION
50 ASK MALE TO BUY YOU A DRINK
60 IF 'YES', CONSUME DRINK, THEN GOTO 40
70 IF 'NO', SAY 'GOODBYE', THEN GOTO 30
}

Anyone who says anything about my, "syntax", is clearly missing the point.

Russians can keep drinking and never show a bit of intoxication. You might as well be pouring it down the drain. Under a microscope, their livers look like maggot infested chuck. Luckily, being SHERMANS, we didn't fall for this shit. OK, maybe I (Mike) fell for it once, but it was only a 4 dollar lesson. For most overweight American chumps, this is probably a 50 dollar lesson. Sex tourists, you have been warned.

Unfortunately, no pictures of said club. I was too worried about getting my camera stolen to bring it.

The next morning we dragged oursleves to some national cemetary. Where we proceded to descerate the commie dead. Check out this gaudy ass shit.

"I tried to laugh once and this is why I died. There is no laughing in Stalin's party"



This is Krushchev's grave. Betcha those flowers are paid for by the government. Betcha Steve doesn't give a shit, because he's too busy being fucking cool.



I wonder what this dead commie did? Oh, that's right, he killed people.



How are we going to honor our commie dead? Oh, I know! With a huge disgusting gaudy gravestone!



Spacesuit? More like GAYcesuit.



Anton Chekhov



Stansilavski



We're long out of Russia now, but we'll be catching y'all up shortly. We are glad to be out of Russia. Russia is fucked, yo.

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