Saturday, October 07, 2006

SHIT -- Red Square and the Kremlin were closed today, maybe becase is POOT-in's birthday.

But that's OK -- being Americans, and thus being dominant in every way over the Russkies, we still managed to make out quite alright. Remember, no matter what happens, we won the fucking cold war and no amount or barricades or corrupt police is going to chance that.

And we still got to see Lenin's disgusting fake body. Commie bro looks like he's had 70 years of cake makeup applied to keep him looking like a worn out doll. Either that or he's wax. The best part was the series of guarded checkpoints. They are really in to Vladimir still.

STEVE: Hello costumed Disney freak standing in front of Commie Museum. Your broke ass Soviet weapons are no match for our red white and blue nuclear bombs.
FREAK: I am teh gay!

This is us at the Kremlin. It was hard to time this right because of all the guards pacing around the walls. Eat our culture, Red people of the mud.

This is GUM, a giant shopping complex across Red Sqaure from Lenin's tomb. We came here right after seeing Lenin's "corpse", and it was fan-fucking-tastic. It's like the perfect shopping mall if you were in 1995. Guess, Casio, Burberry. And everything is tres expensive. This used to be the building where Soviets would go to get whatever the government was handing out. Looks like they've overcompensated just a bit much from those bread line days, when the featured product was a loaf, and it was being guarded by a tank.

Maybe this is why Lenin's body has fallen apart lately. He's about 300 feet from this place.

Luckily, the most important part of Red Sqaure was open:


This is maybe the world's busiest McDonald's. Seating for over 700 and a system of lines that is closer to a food riot than a Queue. And hella metal detectors. And a Sbarro next door.

Ahhh...the sweet taste of Cold War victory. Tastes like 2 all beef patties, lettuce, cheese, and special sauce on a sesame seed bun.

We didn't take these pictures. We actually played Tetris for 3 days and our score was so high that we unlocked special victory screens.

Oh, and that's St. Basil's Cathederal, built by Ivan the Terrible. After it was finished he had the architects blinded so that something of equal beauty could never be built. And it is extremely impressive--easily the best Cathedral we've seen yet. Not like we give a shit though--we're Americans and we're just here for the pussy and the alcohol.

Cue Tchaikovsky.



At 5:34 AM, Anonymous XY Parent Unit said...

Your DNA donors were in stitches reading the Red Square posting.

We saw Ida today too, and she called Alex "Micheal" confusing him with her 63 yr old son. All is well here.

At 11:00 AM, Anonymous david david pier said...

thank you for the drunk dial.

michael...remember when we saw the musical box? theyre playing again in boston.....selling england by the pound....

At 6:21 PM, Blogger M. Wesley, Esq. said...

david, when is the musical box playing? i might have to cut the trip short.

At 4:03 PM, Anonymous Artur said...

If I see your fucking faces in Russian again I will rape you !


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