Tuesday, December 26, 2006

"Brasov" is Romanian for "Stupid Waste of Time and Money"

"Hi, I'm Brasov. I'm well known as a tourist capital - err, I mean 'former capital' - of Transylvania. Tour books call me the 'Krakow of Romania,' the cultural center of a country otherwise better remembered by communist despots and pickpockets, which is unfortunate because the rest of this country is awesome, unlike me - I'm Brasov, and I suck. People come from all over the big bad world to visit me and take lame Dracula tours led by guides wearing fake vampire teeth. People say I have a swinging nightlife, but that's a load of shit. Look at these empty streets:

"Exciting, yes? Why the hell does everyone visit me? I guess the Romanians don't have enough ration tickets to get drunk or hang out with awesome American dudes like Mike and Steve. But that's right, Brasov's not communist anymore.

"Move over Nicholae and Maria, I am Romania's new leader. Look at me embrace Western Hedonist entertainment culture:

"Too bad the only thing I have in common with Hollywood is being overpriced. Unlike Holly, I have shit weather, and I'm not nearly as tolerant of faggotry. But hey, we both hate fat people!:

"It's not good to visit me before the snow comes, or not during the summer, because the streets are so dead you can almost hear a fart.

"FART!. Did I say 'almost'? Hahaha, wow I'm a lame fucking city. Why would anyone visit me? I still don't get it. Perhaps the famous Black Church?

"FART! Why the fuck is this church famous? Don't get it - the interior is myeh, the exterior is myeh-too, and the floors smell like Steve and Mike's grandpa's cabin. It's good being Brasov and suckering rich Germans into visiting me and skiing and seeing BRAN CASTLE, which Steve and Mike didn't see because they're smart enough to know Dracula didn't live there, even though it's pretty and whatever. Not like I care, I'm only here to scam Germans. And boy do they come in droves:


"I'd be a fighting bitch if I lived in me too:

"So basically, I suck, and you shouldn't visit me unless you REALLY want to see Bran castle because you masturbated to Dracula comics growing up, or if you're a rich german looking to blow money on overpriced snow, and ski too. I don't get what kind of idiot budget traveller would even THINK about visiting me. You'd have to be a dumb mothe...oh, wait:

"Since I suck so much, Steve and Mike tried to get drunk enough to forget they were in me.

"Look at how happy Steve is to meet the only cool person in Brasov, his guesthouse owner who gave him free homemade wine. How excited is Steve to meet her?

"Ummm, pretty excited, I guess. But I'm Brasov, and nothing good can happen in me, and the good people must be spited, so Steve ended up spilling super-dark red wine all over her sheets.

"Steve promises to send you money, sweet old lady, once he has it after a few months back in the States, where the jobs are plentiful, and the salad dressing is orange.

"On that note, Brasov out. With all these tourists, and all the good things said about me in tour books, this city has an appeal to tourists which native Romanians don't even get. I'm overcrowded, overpriced, and a totally unworthwhile city. But as long as the tour books and the dumbass tourists keep talking about me, and as long as I got that Bran Castle by me, I'll be rolling in your fat American dollars. But don't believe the hype. For sure, I'm a...



At 1:46 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Maybe you whiners should have just stayed home where it's nice and cozy?

A native Romanian who doesn't even get it.

At 10:44 PM, Blogger Stephen said...


At 10:45 PM, Blogger Stephen said...


At 1:49 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Right, right. Take your flatulence back to your home town where the oldest building is a remarkably pretty barn built some 150 years ago.

At 2:38 PM, Blogger Stephen said...

Are you dissing our BARN?!?! No one - I mean NO ONE - talks shit about the barn that way.

This just got personal.

At 3:37 PM, Blogger M. Wesley, Esq. said...

How did you find this page, Romanian? Seriously, even the Romanians we met said Brasov was lame compared to many other places in the country, and couldn't understand the tourist appeal.

At 6:25 PM, Blogger Stephen said...

Mike, why are you fraternizing with the barn-disser?

At 6:54 PM, Blogger M. Wesley, Esq. said...

Dude, like 50 people from Brasov looked at this thing, so the shit is obviously going around. Maybe they're pissed that we've discovered the TRUTH. KISS YOUR ECONOMY GOODBYE, LUKASHENKO IS OWN THE PROWL. DACIA ATTACK!

At 10:34 PM, Anonymous Rahul said...

You purposely spilled wine your hostess gave you for free on her sheets? Good work being awesome.

At 3:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

It was an accident! It was just from the bad vibes given off by Brasov's suckiness.


At 3:29 AM, Anonymous Brooks Teevan said...

MIKE, I am coming to EASTERN EUROPE/BALKANS/GREECE/TURKEY in February. I forget your email address. EMAIL ME. Where are you?? Lets meet up?? Or at least I need travel advice??




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