Thursday, December 21, 2006


Welcome to Moldova, the place nobody ever goes. Because they have FEAR...inordinate fear of being AWESOME. People would either ask us where it was or turn white when we told them we were going to Moldova. Which meant that we had to. Do you even know where Moldova is? Of course you don't, unless you already googled it, poser.

Moldova was totally awesome, plain and simple. It seems the places that people are most "afraid" of are the places where we have the best time and meet the most amazing people. Chalk Moldova up on this list, maybe even it at top. It might be "the poorest country in Europe" but fucking-A, it was certainly one of the most amazing places we've been. And we've been to plenty of amazing places. 10 years from now (Ok...maybe 20), when Moldova is teeming with tourists and the charm is lost, we'll look back fondly on the time we had there back when everyone was too afraid to go. There are no tourists - if you're an American in Moldova, most people will assume you are Peace Corps. We didn't even meet any Romanians who had been there. They looked at us like we were insane when we told them we went. That's like living in New York City and never going to West Virginia...nevermind...Moldova is fucking amazing, and you certainly heard it here first. Let the photos commence.

Our first Moldova photo, and one that will remain forever in our hearts...

Check out the roof! Actually, that house is in Romania, and in the distance is Moldova. This is at the border of the two countries, and was taken from the bus. Keep in mind that Eastern Romania is the poorest part of the country. And the region is known as Moldova in the Romanian language. They call the country "The Republic of Moldova". This is why there are lots of wars in Europe.

Our primary fortress in Moldova was the capital, Chisinau:

This is how the Soviets build their Circuses (circii?). Children of the USSR, experience delight!

The one thing Moldova is known for internationally is the wine. Which is fucking amazing, by the way. Unbelivably good. They don't bother to import wine, because that would be like living in New Orleans and importing flood waters. The wine is the like piss of God. And way better than that French or Italian shit, if you ask me. I'm not kidding, the 3 dollar stuff we got in Moldova blew away the $30 stuff from France, Italy, California, Spain, Chile, Australia, or whatever other overrated wine producing area you want. The shit is gold. Look for it at your local liquor store. In like 20 years.

This is right in the center of Chisinau. Those are grape vines. Growing on the sides of buildings. Probably because someone in one of the apartments makes their own wine. Fuck, we passed a firehouse where they were growing grapevines out back. I want to make my own wine now.

Look! The Moldovan space program:

Holy shit! That's the Arc de Triomphe! What the fuck?!? We aren't in Paris! Actually, Chisinau has their own. They call it the Holy Gates. Except there's one thing about it that we should probably show: it's a little small. Whatever. It's still better. Because Paris is a city for losers. All the champs are in Chisinau. That's why it starts with the same 2 letters.

Here's the First Moldovan Armoured Division:

It's too easy to make fun of Moldova. I guess I show my affection by picking on it. I'm like a boy in 5th grade with a crush.

The central church and the surrounding grounds. Check out the Moldovan flowers!

Here's Stefan Cel Mare (Stefan the Great. Or Stephen Sherman. However you roll). He's the national hero of Moldova. And sort of Romania too maybe. Since they're kind of the same or something. Oops! I just started a war. Check out this stud:

Sorry, Steve's in his way. Hold on.

Much better.

And of course, what former Soviet city would be complete without bunches of socialist style monuments? No former Soviet city indeed.

Steve's really sad in that last one because he knows his manhood cannot possibly measure up with the greatness of Soviet victory. OBEY THE PHALLUS.

And here's the tomb of the unknown eternal flame solider, or something. Surrounded by goosestepping commies, no less.

It was right around here that we had our first encounter with the Moldovan police. We were wandering around socialistopia, and three police offers approached us and asked to see our documentation. They didn't really speak English. They asked to see our visa registration, which we didn't have because the law was repealed back in April. That shut them up. I don't know if they were looking for a bribe or something. They were probably just bored. That was the first time we had been stopped by police. It wasn't the last.

A few days later in Chisinau, around 11PM, we were running and screaming, trying to stop a minibus we were trying to catch. This was right by Stefan Cel Mare, who you saw above. Anyway, we missed the minibus, and two police stopped us and ask for our documentation. They didn't give us any trouble at all, they seemed like they were bored too. We sort of chatted with one of them (he didn't speak English), and we ended up showing our photos to him. He thought they were great. But he wouldn't let us take a picture of him. He was also catcalling women that were walking by. We love Moldovan police.

Anyway, check out the rest of our photos from Sovietopia. These are all part of a WW2 memorial:

Check those boobies in the last one. But Soviet bro is missing his joint.

Behind Sovietopia was the central cemetary. Also know as the central garbage dump and forest preserve, apparently.

Many of the graves were in sad shape, there were piles of trash, and apparently Moldova doesn't have lawn mowers yet. It was somewhat depressing. Especially when we saw stuff like this:

Then we wandered a little more and saw this:

We didn't know what to do...there was certainly a fire, but we couldn't figure out if it was intentionally lit or maybe the result of a cigarette butt or something. After watching it burn for a bit, we decided that we should probably tell the police. Which we did. They didn't seem to care, so we let it burn, thinking Moldovans are insane. Later we discovered that it was the groundskeepers burning leaves. Go figure.

In the middle of the cemetary was a totally awesome church.

It had one of the awesomest interiors we had seen yet. It was basically like a living room inside, with a priest, a few people chilling, and an old woman making tea. While surrounded by gorgeous icons, of course. Turned out that the Priest's family lived there and took care of the church.

Yep, that's their laundry. Check out the bad luck in the lower right corner.

Chisinau isn't exactly full of tourist attractions, but there was one must see for us...the military museum. Let the hijinks begin. SHERMAN ATTACK!



You don't say! That one is my favorite too!

Yeah, we're proud of ourselves. Sorry for all the pics, but you have to admit they are all FUCKING AWESOME.

Then there's the central market, one of the most intense things ever...

It's gigantic, crowded, and next to the bus station. So basically, it's fucking insane. Piles of people wandering every which way, surround by a ring of the worst traffic in the city. You can buy damn near anything here. From stolen cell phones, to canned vegetables, to toothpaste, to breakfast cereal, to...

Yeah, fucking awesome. There'd be a scandal if someone had one of those in New Providence, that's for sure. The market's proximity to the bus station made for some awesome hijinks, mainly old ladies hopping on the buses right before they left to hawk their wares. Usually breakfast cereal. Think pirated images of Chip and Dale on a box of Rice Krispies with cyrillic writing. Take the acid.

One of the reasons Chisinau, and Moldova for that matter, were so fucking awesome because we had such fucking cool hosts. Thus:

That's Tanya, completely embarassed because she's diluting her awesomeness by sharing a photograph with Stephen, who is clearly enjoying being cool for once. She gave us her bed for two nights, and cooked us food all the time. And she was fucking cool, and super interesting to talk to. And she's going to be an architect. I know what you're thinking, but sorry boys, she's taken.

This wasn't staged, I swear. OK, I'm lying. Steve thought we didn't know he was filming. Too bad there's a little red light that turns on. Fuckface.

And then there's this fucking cool dude. Mothers, hide your daughters...

Cause SERG (SURGE!) is in town. The S in Serg stands for 'Sophisticated', obviously. He's Tanya's brother, and awesomeness runs in the family. He also cooked us food, gave us a bedroom to ourselves (with TV!), and didn't beat the shit out of his when we got home late causing him to lose sleep. And check out that chest hair. I know what you're thinking, but sorry ladies, he's taken.

That's me freaking out, because I never imagined I'd have photographic proof of knowning someone so fucking awesome.

And then there's our favorite...(sorry to all the humans we met)

That's Mary (Mari), the dog. Who fucking rules. Bitch (HA HA PUN) reminded us of Arnold. The first time we gave her a serious petting she pissed the floor. Loveable!

That's me and my new girlfriend.


At 4:17 AM, Anonymous sass! said...

omg tanya 4ever.

At 12:11 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Mike, was the dog a good kisser?

At 3:38 PM, Blogger M. Wesley, Esq. said...

Her lips were like a soft fountain of choclate syrup and Viagra. You should see what she can do with that tounge. Damn!

At 4:14 PM, Anonymous niku said...

a photo with my house. sweet.
Moldova 4 ever

At 9:02 PM, Blogger Igor said...

Hi. i'm from moldova...i dont wanna say anythink bad...but its are making fun of our country,city...yes, we are poor, but our people are honest, saw it by yourselves... and look at you...USA....? what kind of nation are you? mexican, columbians, russians, all kind of cultures... no traditional clothes, no traditional food...the entire world hates you...know why??? because of such people like you...people hate you...look at you.....i'm sick of such bad people like you...
i hope you will think about you... have no morality

At 3:48 PM, Anonymous viomobil said...

r u fag? or just a remake of Laurel and Hardy? stupid people.

At 7:16 PM, Anonymous Alex said...

so you thik you're such a smart ass? we don't have a paris like or ny like city in moldova, but we have one thing you don't: a historical and ancient cultural legacy. i'd like to see your usa if there were such many wars like we had along the hitory. oh, i'm sorry i forgot: your geritage is making burgers and other fast-food crap and bombing countries for oil and other resources.
shame on you for lauthing on my country!!!

At 9:06 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

First i wanted to say that you`re wrong and we`re better than the way you described us, but after a review I figured there`s nothing there to say. What did you expect from an ex-soviet country with a population of 4 million people with half of it working abroad. We have only one town that can be called town at least we can call it like that and that`s Chisinau.

At 11:56 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

suge-mi pula idiot de american... uite la mutra ta de kanchiuga... fute-o in America ta si suge lige in chizda statuia libertatii... huilapan...

it is a beautiful story!!! you are best!

At 1:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Last comment rullz :)

At 1:48 AM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

well) i`m from moldova but also i had the opportunity to visit USA ... there is no reason to compare anything ... two very different countries with different way of thinking and so on)
Take it easy ;) peace!

At 2:17 AM, Anonymous Sever said...

Sever says:

Good raport, these guys dont swear our country Moldova (the country of |wonders"), but, instead say good stuff as - we have the best wine, people etc )

At 6:41 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

My name is Artiom...I think that the most horible thing is that USA dont have inteligent people...They are stupid people, with no brains...
But...They are gouvernated by inteligent people, this is the diference between us...cause in our country it's the vice versa...
USA is bull shit ;);););)

At 6:44 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

PS: Steve !!!For the love of god;) look in the mirror;) fucking pig;)

At 8:51 PM, Blogger smiley said...

u know...i'm curious ..if u dont like our city ,the way we live, why have u come here?....u should thank that girl for possibility to live in her house ...i'm sure that if i came in USA nobody would were so hospitable like people from our country,,,,,shame on you!!! u have lost u'r intelligence on the way to moldova go and find it !!!!!!!!!

At 8:57 PM, Blogger smiley said...

...and i agree with igor's comment...before to make smth think if its necessary!!!

At 10:24 AM, Anonymous Liosha said...

Hi, i am from Chisinau...u know, it was really interesting for me to read some strangers' opinion about my country and my city....but guys i want to dissapoint you a little isn't all like you described, things are different here...firstly you cannot understand our culture, our people, our way of thinking because you were not born here, you haven't lived here, you are people from another continent, another country with a totally different life, way of thinking and all was pleasant to read about the wine, though :)

At 3:29 AM, Anonymous Alexandru D. said...

Hi there.. I am Moldovan too, from Balti. Man, I laughed a whole lot. Thank you! You made my day. Glad that you enjoyed our country. Hope you are going to come back and drink some more of the greatest piss of God.. ;0) I bet you would have more fun if you would go somewhere else than Chisinau, like the Old Orhei, Bender, Soroca, Tsypova.. Hey, crazy dudes, and, please, do not give a fucking shit about those punk asses that wrote negative comments in your blog. I bet they were never outside Moldova to have to see the difference. And this self-protecting spirit is a good witness to my words. Being honest, who fucking cares about the culture if it is misrepresented (I am talking about Moldova inside). You saw the culture in a snap and this snap is fun and awesome. It is our, Moldovan, job to change the way the snap looks like, and you did a great job describing your perception of the way Moldova looks today. Hope you come in summer and you'll see a great picture of the Heaven on Earth in beautiful flowers and green trees. Give us 10-20 years and you will experience the hospitality people are just writing about without practicing it.
Man, thank you again.. I wish there would be more people like you to try and risk for the fun sake.
Da voi dibili moldovenesti sa invatati cum sa aratati altora hospitalitatea voastra, pidarasti negiobi..

At 10:07 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

omg... guys u r really poor if u had been only in this places.. {only some streets and places where noone goes}

u cant imagine what rich ppl live here,

we can make fun of u, idiots, that came here "from USA" and dont have enought money to go to real hot places to see ... fuck off!

At 8:40 PM, Anonymous niku said...

Alexandru D: fuck off, you're stupid anyway.

At 9:22 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

People...just for the record...They both love your country. They're just goofy and sarcastic. It's just part of how they have fun. Read their other posts. They make fun of New Jersey, too.


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