Friday, December 08, 2006

SOFIA

WORD TO YOUR MOTHER.



Sofia, the capital of Bulgaria.



Check out the gold painted cobblestones.



Sofia is a pretty intense city. It's holding something like 1/6 the population of Bulgaria, and is super fucking crowded. Like unintentional handjob from the babushka standing next to you on the bus crowded. If they had guns here everyone would kill each other for some space. There're a huge fucking mountain like 15 KM from the center, so there's not necessarily space for the city to grow. And I guess they haven't discovered skyscrapers or tunnels, so people just keep packing in like prisoners in the GULAG. Like our fucking awesome hosts



Who slept like three people to a bedroom.

What would an formerly-communist capital be without some socialist monuments?

NOTHING






Shit. The USA needs more monuments with automatic weapons.



In the middle I swear one dude is touching another dude's nipple. And on the right I think there's a kid sniffing the other kid's ass.



On the left...is that a middle aged woman with a gun. Fucking A. Here's what I have to say:



THE FLOPPY TOUNGE OF COLD WAR VICTORY.

So who hangs out near the old Soviet shit? Nobody. Except these kids:



Wait...What are those kids doing?



HOLY FUCKING SHIT IT'S A BUNCH OF FUCKING SKATE RATS



I guess this is what happens when there's no A&P parking lot.

Then there's NKD. The cultural palace, or something like that. All I'm saying is that there's a reason all the cows have fled. It's the same reason my sphincter is tightening up.



Them martians got anal probes. Here's a piece of "art" nearby it. I use quotes because nobody is exactly sure what it is.



If the picture was less shitty, you'd see it's a dangling staircase.

I'm not sure how I feel about the Soviet-style monuments. They're scary and opressive. But shit, you've got to give them credit. Fuckers sure could design some serious shit. Here's what happens when you build a capitalist monument:



Oh. A Christmas tree. 'Tis the season to celebrate heathen birth. I can get down with that. Wait...what's that at the top?



Remember when America used to have colonies? We had to use guns. Now we have better means. Why didn't we do this in Iraq instead of invading? Oh, right, Pepsi doesn't bring America oil.

Then there's this beauty in the city center:



That's Athena or the spirit of Sofia or some shit. BO-RING. Bitch needs to spend a little less time in the Solarium.

What's not boring? Rakiya, AKA Bulgarian moonshine. And our hosts provided us with plenty of it.



That's me toasting with Vito. I think he was like 40, and he drew caricatures in the city center as a job. He didn't speak much English.



Steve feels the effects as the Bulgarians debate if he needs to go to the hospital for a colonic.



This is Oggie (Auggie, Ogi, I don't know). He's obviously intense.



And here I am trying some Bulgarian Viagra:






In front is Nasko, the ringleader of the operation. He's a fucking cool dude, a master of the English language, and was an awesome guy to talk to. I think he's just a small step away from quitting his job and becoming a full time anarchist.




SAME PICTURE THREE TIMES. People kept complaining about how they looked or something. That's why I hate digital. Stupid viewfinder.




To Nasko's right is Krissy (Chrissy? I don't know), a temporary resident at the crash pad. She cooked us food while there, and it was fucking amazing. She also gets bonus points for conversing in English, even though she was probably fucking scared of us and our fasttalkingeastcoastaccentsandshit.



I don't remember her name, but I think she was either afraid of me or hated me. Whatever, dudes!



It's a very pretty cookie. I found it at this party:



Aforementioned awesome hosts took me to this party, being thrown for some drum'n'bass dudes' name day. It's like a birthday, but instead of celebrating the day you were born you celebrate the saint's day of your namesake. I met this dude there who was one of the DJs. He was fucking amazing on the turntables, like easily the best I've ever seen. He had lived in Baltimore for awhile, so his English was good. He kept telling me how happy he was to hear an American accent again. He also told me that he didn't like America until he was driving down the higway and saw 2 naked blondes making out. I didn't like Bulgaria until I was walking down the street and I yelled "I'm an American" and 100 women lined up to blow me. Weirdo.

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