Sunday, February 18, 2007


Okay. So me and my buddy were in Amsterdam, and we were having quite a time with all the drugs and whores and such. So we ran into this crazy dude who told us about this exotic and unknown town called Bratislava, the capital of some country called Slovakia. Then he said something about how it was so far away and there's lots of easy women and it's totally cheap. He also said something about it likely being on the Euro before the Czech Republic, but I wasn't paying attention. There was some dude from Iceland or something.

So we went to Bratislava. We met some really creepy dude on the train but whatever.

Then we checked into a hostel. It was totally cool. These hot chicks showed up and we went for a walk in the old town, where they showed us this thing. It's funny!

I think they really dug me because I pointed out to them that the North Pole is closer to Bratislava than New York City.

Then we went to a night club and sex spa and totally fucked. It was sweet.

So the next day the dude from Iceland and some chick from the hostel disappear. So we decided to look for them.

We got some text messages and stuff from them, and then we see some guy wearing the Icelander's jacket, but the dude said it was his jacket. But still, something was kind of creepy so me and this chick decide that we're going to leave Bratislava, but then we end up at a disco instead. Then, stupid me, I get locked in a storage room!

But it's OK. I got out the next morning. Bratislava was starting to creep me out a bit.

That's the town square. But check out this statue:

It's called the Frenchman, but I knew something was amiss because a real Frenchman would have totally been making out with Red by now.

The non-whores we met at the hostel were missing along with my friend Josh, but new easy Slovak girls had shown up and were trying to get me to fuck them. That was weird. So I decide to try to track down this Icelandic dude and some Japanese girl based on one of the messages they had sent to my cell phone, but then these fucking kids stole my phone. Ugh! At least I still had my camera to take pictures of the old town:

Anyway, I'm trying to find this factory with a smokestack because that's the picture that Mr. Iceland and Slant Eye sent to me, but I'm not having much luck. I go to the police, but they're useless. Then I decide that I need to eat some lunch, so I go into a bar and eat this:

Garlic soup!

Pork loin stuffed with ham!

At the bar I run into those two girls who had fucked me a Josh the first night. I ask them where Josh is, and they say he's at an art show. WTF? I demand the bitches take me there, so they do. On the way I snapped some photos!

The Slovenian space program!

So we end up at this factory.

So I go inside, and there's all this fucked up gore and Josh's dead body. Then I get kidnapped and they handcuff me to a chair in the dark. Oh shit!

So this German dude shows up, and he starts torturing me. I start talking to him in German, and he gets all pissed and I get a ball gag put in. Fuck! Dude is about to chainsaw my head and I puke and start choking, so he takes the ball gag out. So I try to bite his fingers. Then he decides that I should get my fingers taken off first. Luckily he slips while cutting off my fingers and cuts my handcuffs. So much for Aryan supremacy, fuck face. I take a pistol, shoot his Prussian ass and take care of the guard too.

Then I go to Bratislava Castle and take some photos:

And I scope out the view. Renewable energy! Must have been what that German guy was here for.

And concrete housing blocks!

So I go back to the factory, because I forgot to escape earlier. I put on the torturer's clothes, then I evade people and stuff, and see my bro Josh's body. Damn. So I make my way to a locker room after kicking some ass, then I look out the window and see the cops are in the act with the torturers. Fuck! Then I decide I need a glove to hide my mangled hand, and I find a business card. This was on the front:

That's the Parliament building. On the front it also says, "Elite Hunting", and on the back there are prices--American $25,000, European $10,000, Russian $5,000. Ha, worthless Russians.

Then some American businessman shows up. He's talking his rocks off, and as he leaves I take his pistol. Then I hear screaming and it's that chick from the Hostel, Kana! Oh fuck! I go and cap his ass, but her eye is all melty. I cut her eye out, and we steal a car, running over those bitches from earlier. Then I take a photo:

Then those punk kids who took my cell phone show up again, but I bribe them with bubblegum and they take out the guards. Sweet! We head to the train station and I snap two more photos:

Check out that commie shit, BTW. Anyway, we get to the train station and there are police and guards everywhere. We're trying to get on the train, then crazy bitch sees her reflection with her disfigured eye and jumps in front of a train. Vain ass bitch. Well, that gives me a chance to get on a train. The train leaves, and I'm fucking gold. Then I see one of those torturer guys. He gets off in Vienna. Fucking Austrians. I follow him into a bathroom and kill his fucking ass. Bratislava rules.

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