Wednesday, February 28, 2007

Butter me up and deep fry me it's not Chicken Kiev, but when you're broke as balls you have to settle. On the left is some pork with cheese thing that I can't understand. It looks like it has rice in it, but it's actually shredded onion. And it was cold. Good food for the capitalist pigs! On the right is the star--I don't know what they call it in Ukrainian/Russian, but in English we mistakenly think it is kasha. It's not kasha, kasha is porridge. It's buckwheat groats--whole grain buckwheat. You boil it with some shredded onion and it makes a dynamite breakfast. We ate it a bunch, and it's an awesome way to start the day--unquestionably nutritionally superior to breakfast cereal or oatmeal. Whole grains yeah! I've been trying to find it at the A&P in New Providence and so far I've failed miserably. What I can find however, is that nice little caffeinated bit of American imperialism used to wash away the Communist bits. But I digress...

This is Kyiv:

And that big wet thing is the Dnipro river, which runs down the center of the city. That's nowhere near the center by the way.

Join me, your resident moronic blogging Sherman, as we retrace my Kyvian steps. That's Kyiv to you, motherfucker, not Kiev.

Kyiv is home to some old dead dudes in a cave, so that was my first destination. On the way I passed the headquarters of the Ukrainian Space Program:

Yeah, that space program joke never gets old.

Anyway, I was on my way to see the obligatory UNESCO monastery and something called the 'Museum of the Great Patriotic War', which is one of those perfect Soviet titles that gets heart pumping pure, red blood.

So I got to the monastery, only to find that fascists were in charge, and they were charging for photos. Fuck them! So I went outside and took the best pictures I could:

Which really don't do the whole thing justice. The monastery is known as the caves monastery, because it used to be home to a bunch of intense monks who lived in badass catacombs. Apparently the real world is crushed by sin or something, I don't know, I was too busy staring at some married woman's ass. The complex is much more than these caves, and is home to a bunch of landmark churches, gates, and random things with golden onion domes. And the caves themselves are home to a bunch of dead monks wrapped in burial shrouds, as well as tons of the most extreme Orthodox believers who incessantly cross themselves and don't even notice that a yid is staring at them.

The shriveled little monk bodies didn't decompose, meaning they were holy men. Or possibly meaning they were in a cave with low humidity. Ever see a piece of cheese that wants to be kept in, "a cool dry place?" That's so it wont, you know, decompose. I rest my case. Anyway, the bodies were covered in burial shrouds, but occasionally you could see a shriveled hand poking through. Gross!

Enough blasphemy. Let's get to the real fun. So as I'm wandering around the monastery I scope out this righteous babe:

Clutching my tumescence, I stumble closer:

It's my dream girl!

I'm dizzy with lust:

My baby guards over The Museum of the Great Patriotic War. In English, it's the World War 2 museum. I knew this was going to be totally fucking awesome, and I was wrong. It was totally fucking awesome 2112 to the nth power, capitalist pigs, like a greatest hits of all the Soviet war history stuff I've seen.

First, there was the awesome military equipment, ripe for exploitation and coup attempts.

Hey! It's the last thing some Nazi saw. Workers power!

And the peace tanks:

Then there were some serious fucking murals. Maybe not awesome enough to be Belorussian, but fucking awesome nonetheless:

How hot is this, by the way?

Then after that, I saw the view and got homesick.

Oh New Jersey! How my heart longs for thee!

Finally, I entered the main exhibit hall of the museum, where I was greeted by this cheery fellow:

Yeah! RUB IT IN THEIR FACE! Take that, you fascists! SOVIET VICTORY!

The museum was actually quite good, even if none of it was in English. It had a lot of full out 3-d displays, most which resembled propaganda.

This is the background of my desktop:

There's a lot of damaged stuff all over the museum:

This translates to something like, "The Motherland is Calling":

I know that this is supposed to inspire Soviet glory, but to me it will always look like a riot at a Village People concert:

Why are they rioting? Did someone steal the poppers?

Then there's the Holocaust room. Someone told me that the museum hadn't really changed since Communism fell. I think it's interesting that the Soviet Union was addressing the holocaust long before there was anything in America on the same scale:

"All my hope is on you, red warrior!"

I find that last one especially disturbing.

After a long battle with the museum, I decided it was time for a snack.

Mmmm. Chocolate ice cream.

Something to wash it down:

Then I left the museum, saw this, and vomited up the ice cream and beer:

And I realized I was in something resembling a Ukrainian Queens:

Ok. I was lost. But sometimes when you're lost you see the most interesting things. Welcome to the former Soviet Union:

For the record, the car on its side is a Lexus. The one still on the ground is a Kia. I think that's some sort of analogy for the economic trends of the future, but I wont get into it here. More Kyiv soon!

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